It’s been some time since my last blog post. I’ve been going through a lot of stuff these past few weeks. Well, technically this past half year. As I’ve talked about in my previous posts, I’ve mentioned mental health, being vegan, and moving to the middle of nowhere. And these are things that I’ve been struggling with. Now, I’m going to be super real with you guys.
Life is not easy. I take every aspect of life WAY too seriously. I am a pretty sarcastic person, but I struggle with pretty much everything I see, do, or say. Lately I have been letting anxiety get to me so bad that it has literally been paralyzing me. I’ll have days where my arms go numb, mornings where I couldn’t feel my legs. Even moments I just wanted to run out the front door and keep running till I could escape the depression. Now, when I say depression, I do not mean my everyday life. I actually love my life. My husband and girls are heaven. So why the drama you say? Because I can’t help it. The depression comes from not being able to control things (OCD), it comes from stress and anxiety over things that may not even happen, and it comes from overthinking. I find myself so trapped inside my own head and thoughts that it literally scares me. Moving somewhere I don’t have friends and family wasn’t so great for my mental health. But I’m smart enough to talk to my friends and family about it and I even went to the doctor.
When you factor in other things while going through all of this like being vegan and trying to lose weight, it tends to make matters worse. Since I’m so controlling I felt like when I tightened the reigns on my diet, I was sucking the joy out of my life. I was being overly oppressive to myself. And then when I stopped trying to tighten the reigns, my body didn’t know how to handle all of the change and well…I got sick. Some sort of bug, and I’m still dealing with the repercussions. But now I can say that i’m letting go of my grip on my eating and choosing to eat intuitively. Which makes me happier, and makes me learn to accept myself more.
What I want to say in all of this is…
RE-MEET YOURSELF. LEARN WHO YOU ARE. BE YOU AND NOBODY ELSE.
I mentioned this in my last post. Own it. We always say to people, “Just be yourself.” But I don’t think a lot of people mean it when they say that. And a lot of people don’t want to show who they truly are, in fear of not being accepted. When I think about why I’m so scared to be myself, I think back to a time where I was with a friend from high school and she looked at me and said, “I was wondering if you were working out. Because you look a lot different than you did in high school.” Or something along those lines. I was so embarrassed and felt shamed. She said that to me in front of my husband too. I felt ugly all of a sudden and felt like my high school self was ripped away from me. Like it was impossible for me to still be her. This friend that said that wasn’t trying to be hurtful, she was just honestly shocked when she saw me for the first time in about a year or two. (This also happened about 2 years ago and I’ve lost about 20 lbs since then).
We don’t realize how harmful we are to each other on a daily basis. I don’t think she ever realized that her words have stayed with me ever since. They have been playing over and over in my head and I have been trying to out run them ever since. But you know what…that stops today.
I am not going to let the world, old friends, new friends, or anyone in-between tell me who I am or what I should look like. I am going to re-learn who I am, what I like, and learn to love looking at my beautiful face in the mirror. Life if too short to be worried about such surface level things. I will never let myself become unhealthy, but I am not going to suck the joy out of my life just because I don’t look a certain way.
Also, DAMN RIGHT I’M NOT THAT GIRL I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL. I’m better than her. I’m smarter, braver, stronger, and I actually like how I look as a woman vs. a child. Thank you very much. So, the woman you’ll be hearing from here on out, is one who is TRULY herself, and is going to own her life so hard it’ll be hard to miss 😉